Narcissism and Self-Esteem: Spot the 10 Differences

“I’m worthy,” “I’m a failure,” or “I’m special”? When it comes to narcissists, many people picture self-absorbed, show-off types with inflated self-esteem. However, this misconception has little to do with reality. For the most part, narcissists are people with deep psychological problems, distorted criteria for evaluating themselves and others, and low self-esteem. Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman explains what researchers have learned about narcissism in recent years—how it differs from healthy self-esteem, how it develops, and what subtle consequences the constant pursuit of high esteem can lead to, even in those who do not suffer from narcissistic personality disorder.

Today, almost everyone is familiar with the myth of Narcissus, who fell so deeply in love with his reflection in a pond that he could do nothing but admire himself. In the end, unable to tear his eyes away from his beautiful reflection in the water and see the real people around him, he wasted away and died. Did Narcissus have any other choice? Did his excessively high self-esteem lead to the tragedy, or was there something else?

For many years, psychologists and the media have interpreted narcissism as inflated self-esteem or excessive self-respect. However, not only the results of empirical observations by psychoanalysts, but also qualitative and quantitative studies in recent years cast doubt on this view. It is becoming clear that the phenomenon of narcissism differs significantly from that of self-esteem—it has a different origin, developmental dynamics, formation, and consequences.

So does it make sense to try to boost self-esteem, or does this risk pushing us over the line into narcissism?

Where does it begin?

A distinction is made between normal infantile, mature, and pathological narcissism.

Normal infantile narcissism is the basis of a child’s existence, the foundation of healthy self-esteem, without which the child would not survive in the long run. This type of narcissism develops from birth and ensures fulfilling and fruitful mother-child relationships. Normal infantile narcissism manifests itself up to the ages of 2–4, becomes partially established by ages 6–7, and briefly resurfaces during puberty, when the child once again asserts their independence in an attempt to separate from their parents.

It is important to note that, in terms of the risk of developing pathological narcissism, particular attention should be paid to the age range of two to four years. During this period, it is crucial for the child to develop a sense of separation from close relatives, whom the child previously perceived as tools for fulfilling their desires.

Parents and teachers should focus their attention on narcissism a second time during adolescence, when narcissism may be temporary and natural—if the child successfully navigated the first phase of narcissism—or pathological—if a sense of self and separation from significant adults has not yet developed and the child constantly needs to have their sense of self-worth “pumped up.”

At ages 6–7, when children learn to understand their self-image through how others see them, they first arrive at conclusions such as “I am worthy,” “I am a failure,” or “I am special.” If, during the early stages of development, parents have ensured that the child feels healthily accepted just as they are, then the opinions of others are not perceived as so painful; they fall on fertile ground and reinforce the child’s existing self-image as being good enough. Otherwise, a sense of not being good enough arises, and this reinforces the development of narcissism.

Parenting style has a profound impact on whether a child develops a sense of self-worth or exhibits signs of narcissism. It is up to the parent or caregiver to determine whether the child will remain a narcissist forever and become stunted in their psychological development, or whether they will continue to grow. Will they learn to assess themselves realistically, or will they always distort reality, carefully selecting people for their inner circle and creating a narcissistic environment around themselves?

A child’s narcissism is often a consequence of their parents’ narcissism. For example, children of parents who tend to overestimate their children’s abilities—such as by claiming, “My child knows everything there is to know about math”—subsequently exhibit high levels of narcissism. The parents of such children tend to overestimate their child’s IQ and exaggerate the significance of their academic achievements. These parents are also inclined to give their children unique names to set them apart from the crowd and to distinguish themselves as parents. Ultimately, their child internalizes this attitude, which, as we can see, contains a great deal of the parents’ underlying doubt that the child is good in and of themselves, without any achievements. And this “knowledge,” firmly ingrained in the child, goes on to unconsciously govern their interactions with others, causing trouble and suffering, and forcing them to run faster and jump higher.

In contrast, high self-esteem develops in an environment of parental warmth and acceptance, where parents know that their child is simply good enough. They share with their children their confidence in this, along with respect, love, appreciation, and tenderness. They treat their children in a way that helps them understand: what matters is only who they are, not what they do, how they look, or what their name is. Ultimately, this parenting approach leads the child to internalize a valuable message: that they are a worthy person and “okay” just as they are—which is the foundation of healthy self-esteem.

The dynamics of the development of narcissism and self-esteem are interesting. While self-esteem is typically at its lowest during adolescence and gradually increases throughout life, narcissism peaks during adolescence and gradually decreases over the course of a lifetime.

Therefore, narcissism and self-esteem seem to mirror each other throughout the entire cycle of personality development and psychological maturation.

Normal, mature narcissism is infantile narcissism that has been compensated for by experience and a supportive parental relationship. It is essential for building successful relationships, career development, and motivation.

However, pathological narcissism, which stems from a lack of genuine love and acceptance, is a reflection of the child’s self-idealization and grandiose self-image.

What is the result?

The classic grandiose narcissist, or narcissist, is a person who displays arrogance, superiority, vanity, and a desire for power; they use people, exhibit various forms of exhibitionism, and suffer from a virtually insatiable need for recognition from others. They will never admit to this.

Those with healthy self-esteem also tend to feel satisfied with themselves or their activities, but they generally do not consider themselves superior to others and do not engage in a race for achievements.

A self-esteem test—the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale—can help you better understand the difference between narcissism and self-esteem.ⓘThe Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale is a personality questionnaire designed to measure levels of self-esteem and, to a certain extent, self-worth. The test consists of statements such as “On the whole, I am satisfied with myself,” “I feel that I have a number of good qualities,” and “I can do the same things as most other people,” among others. If a person agrees with these statements, it indicates that they have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-efficacy.

As Rosenberg himself said:

When we deal with self-esteem, we ask, first and foremost, whether a person considers themselves adequate and worthy, rather than whether they consider themselves superior to others.

A narcissist, however, would not be able to choose the answer that “on the whole, they are satisfied with themselves,” since deep down they feel inferior, and a narcissist would not “put themselves on the same level as other people,” since they believe they are superior to them. This is important.

Although narcissism correlates positively with self-esteem, the similarity is actually quite small. For example, you may be confident that you are superior to others, yet you may not consider yourself a worthy person. Conversely, you may think that you are worthy and competent, but not place yourself above others.

A recent article sheds more light on the similarities and differences between narcissism and self-esteem.

Correlation analysis shows that self-esteem and narcissism share common indicators such as self-confidence, positive emotions, and a desire for reward. But that is where the similarities end. In fact, according to the study’s data, narcissism and self-esteem differed by 63%.

It was found that self-esteem is much more strongly associated with traits such as conscientiousness and perseverance than narcissism is. A trait such as friendliness was generally not characteristic of narcissists, as they tend to be more antagonistic. A connection was observed between self-esteem and friendliness—it was not direct, but positive.

As for interpersonal situations, in 75% of cases, narcissism and self-esteem differed. Problems in interpersonal relationships, various expressions of anger such as shouting, threats, or physical aggression, were found to be characteristic of narcissism, as were a tendency toward inappropriate confrontation and a desire to possess disproportionately large resources.

As the study’s results show, people with high levels of narcissism also demonstrated a desire to be the center of attention on social media at any cost, while viewing other social media users—rather than themselves—as narcissistic, neurotic, unpleasant, and promiscuous. Narcissistically oriented individuals failed to see the log in their own eye but noticed the speck in others’ eyes; they were more likely to engage in conflicts, argued fiercely, and were focused on comparing social achievements.

In contrast, people with high self-esteem demonstrated a desire for constructive closeness with others on social media and perceived others as attractive, possessing strong leadership traits and high status—and, overall, as intelligent, likable, and kind.

There were also clear differences in terms of psychopathology. Narcissism and self-esteem differed on 100% of the indicators, and this is linked to the concept of internalization.

While the phenomenon of healthy self-esteem was directly associated with low levels of anxiety, a low tendency toward depression, and a lack of self-flagellation, none of these traits were characteristic of narcissism. On the contrary, narcissism is much more closely linked to externalizing behavior, such as projecting or attributing one’s anxious feelings to external objects, seeking an external enemy, acting out scenarios and dramas, antisocial behavior, and aggression. At the same time, substance use—specifically alcohol and drug abuse—as a form of anesthesia in difficult situations was also much more frequently associated with narcissism.

As for pathological symptoms, according to the correlation analysis method, narcissism showed a positive correlation with each pathological symptom, whereas self-esteem was negatively correlated with all 30 pathological symptoms.

Thus, according to the study participants, detachment, disinhibition, and psychoticism were completely absent in people with healthy self-esteem, whereas these traits were evident in narcissists in all cases.

In the case of narcissism, a correlation was found with histrionic personality disorder, whereas self-esteem was either unrelated or largely unrelated to histrionic behavior.

From this analysis, it is clear that it is much easier for narcissists to express their emotions through action—without lingering long in relationships, moving rapidly from one to the next—than to try to get along with and compromise with others.

Narcissism is always characterized by the need to dominate others in order to obtain ever-greater resources.

In contrast, high self-esteem is much more closely linked to the desire to form deep and close relationships with others.

So, should we try to boost our self-esteem, and if so, how?

What conclusion can we draw regarding the question we posed at the beginning of this article? Does it make sense to try to boost self-esteem? To answer that, I think it’s important to look deeper into history.

For 20 years in the U.S., from the 1970s to the 1990s, we witnessed a widespread obsession with self-esteem. It was definitely something! The focus of the entire society was on feeling good at any cost. That was the answer to all of life’s problems.

And, naturally, a backlash followed, and a movement began that moved away from this highly simplified understanding.

Roy Baumeister and his colleagues, after analyzing the literature on boosting self-esteem, found that the effects of healthy self-esteem are not as significant or widespread as is commonly believed: self-esteem correlates most strongly with initiative and happiness. But correlation does not imply causation, and they found insufficient evidence that interventions aimed at boosting self-esteem actually lead to any benefits or improvements in quality of life. So, how should we approach the issue of influencing self-esteem in our psychological work?

Most importantly, I think we need not fear that efforts to boost children’s self-esteem will inadvertently create a generation of narcissists. Building healthy self-esteem has nothing to do with the development of narcissism. Therefore, we have a tremendous amount of work ahead of us; we must ensure that all students feel valued and respected, regardless of their status, name, or abilities.

The real problem lies in overestimating a child’s actual achievements and praising children for being “special.” As Eddie Brummelmann notes:

Our task is to teach parents and teachers to express love and appreciation for children without elevating them above others or demanding achievements from them. By doing so, parents and educators can help children feel happy simply because of who they are, rather than because they are better than others.

I believe,” Brummelmann continues, “that healthy self-esteem is like a vitamin for your well-being, because low self-esteem can be a risk factor for the development of, for example, depression, regardless of whether a child is narcissistic or not.

But just as, if a person has a perfectly adequate baseline level of healthy self-esteem, the constant pursuit of high self-esteem solely to feel good all the time can come at a high cost. In the pursuit of this goal, you might miss out on life—specifically, the joy of learning and growing, building relationships, and making friends not for the sake of numbers but for the pleasure of it—that is, being authentic, which means having the ability to independently regulate your behavior as well as your mental and physical health.

If you have sufficient confidence in your self-esteem, it would be good to focus on developing your relationships with others, no matter how challenging those relationships may seem to you. Let genuine pride and strong positive emotions be a natural result of this process, rather than a necessity that must be fulfilled.”

We all go through difficult times and periods of uncertainty, so first and foremost, work on increasing compassion for yourself and others, rather than on developing a sense of self-worth—and certainly don’t get caught up in the race for achievements.

We hope that thanks to our article, you’ll be able to realize your full potential and feel worthy of love and respect, and that you’ll also be able to help others achieve the same in their lives—a healthy, productive, and authentic life.

Based on: “Narcissism and Self-Esteem Are Very Different” / Scientific American

Translated by psychotherapist S.V. Belukhina. Read more…

Cover: Salvador Dalí, “The Metamorphosis of Narcissus” (1937)

Published in “Monocle” on May 5, 2018